Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
