Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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