i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
