sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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