i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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