I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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