I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
