My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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