We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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