My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
