new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
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deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
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Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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