Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Text me some of your sweat
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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