Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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