I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
