I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
