I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
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i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
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Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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