Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
