just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
