If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Sorry about my life...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
