sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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