One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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