Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
