I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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