I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
