He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
