How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
