Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
