If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
