sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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