I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
