please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
