he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
