Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
