shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
