Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.