Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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