we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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