who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
