When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
