You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
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Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
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guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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