I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
