I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
