A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
