Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
