god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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