I got chris browned last night
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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