Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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