I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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