They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
