when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
It was confusing and full of hummus
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
