a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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