Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
