I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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